[From a letter to a friend]
So on the plane I had a really good journaling session. I'd prayed for an answer to what should give
my life motivation and meaning, since I've been a bit low in that department,
what with all the disappointments in people and reasons to be grumpy at God.
OK, so this is what I realized . . .
No. I'll tell you how
I got there first. First I made a list
of all the things I wanted in life. Big
things. 15 of them. Then I ranked them. Number 1: value myself (so much springs from
that); number 2: live in God's spirit (or whoevers - not quibbling over
language . . . ) ; number 3: really feel and experience what is happening (I
believe the word for that is "witness consciousness," eh? And so forth.
Others on that list were not so noble (have lots of sex was on the list,
but it actually ranked only on the bottom . . . because sex for me is really an
expression of something (or things) else (starting with valuing myself,
right?! Hopefully!).
So I made myself a nice list, carefully shielding it from my
seatmates, because I was feeling shy.
Then I realized the desires that ranked could be categorized into a
previous thought I'd had . . . Valuing myself and feeling and experiencing are
both aspects of witness consciousness.
And
So then I thought, wow, all those things I want (the ones
that ranked, anyway) are all aspects of me being in relationship to
divine. It's me, giving myself (valuing
myself, giving my voice, opening myself to experience) or being in relationship
(prana, others, union).
So that's it: it's a divine relationship that I'm in. I'm married to the spirit, simply by living
on this earth. And like any
relationship, it's got disappointments and struggles. So that works for me as a way of
understanding.
Don't know why it took me this long to get it through my
thick head. Or accept it.
(I wonder what you think of this, my inner process, all
logical and categorized! And, of course,
not particularly original. But still,
I'm feeling much better. )