Acceptance is what Eastern spiritual traditions suggest to alleviate suffering.  This directly contradicts the world I grew up in, which was based on expectations. 

As a teacher and leader, I know that expectations have their place – they spur us on towards something better.  At the same time, I know I suffered from expectations that were other people’s notions of “normal” or some other box they wanted to keep me from expanding out of.  And now, in my thirties, I find myself disillusioned because I had unrealistic expectations of human community.  So I’m sorting this out for myself.

I’m grateful for the lesson of acceptance.  I’ve become calmer and more accepting of how other people present themselves.

And yet . . .

I realize that I’m really unhappy because my expectations are not met.  In fact, I’m really angry.  I feel like somehow I was promised a better world than I find myself in. 

So this is my spiritual crisis of the moment.  I am aware that the way out is to forgive and accept, but changing my worldview feels like stepping into a much worse world than I’ve been in, one much more disappointing.  So that’s why it’s unhappy, filled with grief and anger.

I’m perfectly aware these expectations come from a deep unfilled longing in me, the result of God knows what lack when I was emotionally formed.  If I search myself, I find that inner child that wants everyone to put me at the center of their attention, giving me unconditional and enthusiastic love.  And I want to belong to a winning team, so I want all the people of the [pick one] congregation/organization/neighborhood/cause to drop their lives and their own issues and be committed (meaning as committed as I want myself to be, which of course is more committed than I AM actually) and focused.  How very disappointing when they fight amongst themselves, don’t do what they say they will and (worse yet) don’t shower me with love and praise and support.

Well, at least I can see that is where a lot of my expectations come from.  And I’m enough of a grown up to just let these feelings be, knowing they operate on a different plane than realistic norms of how people actually relate.

It strikes me that probably most “deeply held beliefs” (a phrase that now automatically has me looking for trouble) are expressions of expectations born of some inner need as unhelpful as my own stew.

My only response is to just be good to myself.  I can’t seem to solve this.  And yet, I need to solve this.  Both intellectually and in terms of the inner expectations I bring to my world.  Right now I just pat myself on the head, say “you silly goose,” and go dance or otherwise be good to myself. 

Every struggle like this I’ve ever had, I have found resolved.  It always happens.  I recognize this place of having NO idea what the way forward is.  It has to come from outside me, or from such a deep place that it’s beyond my current awareness.  It will, though it doesn’t feel like it.  (And I wish it would hurry up – I’ve been in this place for a long time now)

This is why I’m having a hard time doing ministry or healing work.  I don’t feel like I have much to offer.  I’m not feeling loving, in general (It’s easier to love specific people who I care about).