I reconnected with an old friend Laura who was very important to me when I was in college. Her letters have prompted me to look back at how my spirituality has changed over the last ten years or so.

I think what I have reworked is my expectations of community and people. My disappointment with Quakerism was being hit with the difference between what we Quakers say we aspire to and what we are actually being - normal humans. I've needed to make space for brokenness and healing and not healing yet and the wide category of "things that happen that I don't understand or are not according to my plan."

I was disillusioned about leadership roles because I wanted others to be as on board and committed as I was. I still feel that, even when I'm not in a leadership role, but I guess I have more of a sense of humor about it. (I've lately become aware of just how uneducated and unknowing politicians of my acquaintance are . . . It astounds me . . . And reminds me that there is work to do of communication and education.) So it's less about "The Cause" now and more about the individual relationship, starting with wherever they are at. But I don't give up easily on wanting things to be perfect, or at least measure up to my expectations (because obviously MY expectation are what's important in any situation, right?). And I've got a streak of British judgmentalism I can't exercise, especially when it concerns myself.

I've become less focused on seeking and discerning the spirit's leading.

At some point (actually I remember the moment - it was on an American Airlines flight, when I had time to think) the message came into my head that God was not leading me on to the next step in my life because it was time for ME to step up to the plate - that I needed to develop my own will and desire and that being a human is to be a co-creator, not only a follower. It was time for me to step out.

I've also become much more humble about leadings. First of all, I'm far more aware that I could be sensing impulses from my own ego and fear and pride. Easy to dress that up in nice spiritual language and I'm sure I have. I also trust less my own ability to discern. And I take it much less seriously - I no longer think that it is crucial, critical that I follow the leading because (the unspoken idea) everything depends on me. No, I'm just not that important. And, even more importantly, if I make a mistake (willfully or unintentionally), the world can handle it. Just move on.

(That's a very different attitude than many people around me have who say "there are no mistakes." I say instead, it's OK to make mistakes because you can handle it. You move on and mistakes become grist for what follows. Not to say there isn't trauma and distress.)   more »